Prepare to Smolder

Title: Quantum of Solace

Director: Marc Forster

Awesome Rating: High 5

I can’t begin to tell you how excited I was for this movie. I think it would be an understatement to say I love James Bond and I love James Bond movies, because it would be.

I adore James Bond. I think he's almost a perfect character. He's Every Man but The Man’s Man too and he does it all with a myriad of awesome gadgets, in a flawless suit, a British accent, and HOT cars. I’m not sure there could be a more perfect man for me.

I love the concept of Bond Girls too. That may be a bit of a betrayal in the eyes of uninformed self-proclaimed “feminists” but I say Nay. Bond Girls are awesome. I think it’s a not-so-secret wish of mine to be a Bond Girl. Because not just any pretty face/model lady can cut it as a Bond Girl. Oh no – it is a coveted and sought after title that few have in Hollywood. They’re brilliant, capable, and kick butt and they do all of it while being devastatingly beautiful and perfectly dressed. They’re as much of an idealized woman, I think, as Bond is the idealized man.

And don’t start me on how perfect Daniel Craig is for this part. I might go on for 3 days about how blue his eyes are or how his delicious perma-pout is or his nearly perfectly proportioned soccer player body and perfect understanding of the character so James’ famous one liners are perfectly delivered, or how well he wears vests (which are the singlur piece of clothing that always brings me joy). Don’t get me started…

Casino Royale was a marvelous experience for me. I saw it three times in the theaters and own it now. I had high hopes for Quantum of Solace and when I heard that MY car, the car of my heart and dreams, The Aston Martin DB9 (if I had this car I would never need the physical aspects of a marriage and I would have 10,000 if its babies) was to be The Bond Car this time around, if it was possible, I was even more excited.

So imagine my let down when I got to the theater and I only got half of the movie I wanted. It was a good movie, don’t get me wrong, definitely worth seeing, but it’s not BOND.

Firstly – where are the gadgets??!! There were NO cool secret cameras or paralyzing spray in the form of a tuxedo button or a tazer that could stun an elephant that was a dangle earring, NOTHING like that. There was some kind of Star Trek data pad that was kind of cool at MI6 headquarters but that was about the extent of the technology flex the film had.

Secondly – The Bond Girls. They totally weren’t Bond Girls. Eva Green was a perfect Bond Girl. These other two were beautiful but there was NO moxie, not real threat or presence on the screen. Bond loves the women he does because they challenge and fascinate him. They’re on his same level of intrigue and excellence. These girls might as well have been cocktail waitresses. They were scenery, not players like Bond Girls are, and I was disappointed. And I don’t think it was because of bad writing or the characters. They were written well, I think it was casting, I think the two girls they had just weren’t Bond Girls at heart. They had no desire to kick your trash make you love them because they did. THAT’S how Bond Girls work.

Third and lastly – this is Bond not Bourne. Alliteration doesn’t give you license to blend storylines or chase scenes.

Let’s step it up and remember the formula next time around boys, do I make myself clear? Good. Impress me.